Its been 2 years since I first realized that the battle I am fighting is bigger than me. 2 years since I surrendered and admitted that I need help. It is hard to fight when the villain is hiding deep inside your psyche that you don’t even recognize which is which, or worse, there is no longer a line to mark between you and the illness. How do you fight against yourself?
For years you fight it by being the strong one. Denying its existence, like an ugly twin that you dare not acknowledge. For society demands perfection, success. You should be grateful for the privilege, for the blessings, the success and the love you have been given.
But why do you feel numb? Feeling like life is passing you by? You want to bleed just so that you can feel pain. You want to lash out to the people who loves you just so that you can feel their pain. You need pain to feel alive. Why?
It is easier to just surrender to it, just to own it and watch yourself spiralling down, all the while wearing the face of normality. Oh you have pretending as an artform, much easier to bear. Continue living as if you don’t feel like a candle slowly burning down. You look in the mirror and you hate what you see, you don’t like what you had become but you only have yourself to blame. Is it really the illness? Or this is the real you?