im losing it (my sanity) at a faster and steeper pace more recently, or so it seems. I feel like i may have a matter of weeks, maybe days before i go to full breakdown mode I have no healthy outlet in order to express my most inner and by all means my very most sensitive thoughts and emotions. I have been this way for so long, not only have a forgotten how to express all the negative and destructive thoughts i have. I’m not one who’s been in many fights, i like to think its because i’m smart enough to pick my battles, i’m starting to understand how very untrue that reason is. I’ve discovered, I’ve been fighting for years, ive been fighting with this other person, the “evil twin” if you will, he has lived inside my head and inside my heart for years, feeding on the cuisine that is made from all the things i refuse to show to the world. My anger, my depression, my agony, my self loathing, baked at a million degrees and served with a side of pure pain. As ive figured out, I have not picked my battles, the battlefield in my head. Turning everything i am into another casualty of war. Ive thought of many ways to end it, i could put a bullet in my head, i could swallow a variety of different pills right before bed, i could simply jump in front of a semi. I fear this, i fear so much that one day i will do the most selfish, unthoughtful thing i could ever think of doing. I wouldn’t be putting an end to my pain, i would simply be passing it on, by all means multiplying it to the people in my life whom i care for deeply. I sometimes wonder how merciful god would be or if he would be at all merciful to a man who he had a plan for, who would ruin that plan by taking the most beautiful thing God has ever given mankind, life. I have nobody to talk to who truly understands, some might not even want to understand. Not my friends, not my co workers, not even my own mother. I wish i could tell someone, not even to get advice or help, just to know i have someone listening to me, not to respond, but to listen and hopefully know me better in the end. Although i suppose part of the reason i dont talk to anyone about it is i’m afraid of being put in a mental hospital, or a jail cell, i can think of nothing worse than having my freedom stripped, of being in a confined area with only the thoughts and ideas in my head to keep me company. Its something i have thought about many many times, i wouldn’t last a day in either of those places, at that point they would simply be making my choice easier. at that point it may be the only choice that is still mine to make. I more than anything, just want to be understood, just want someone to hear me out. I cannot keep all this negative energy inside anymore, its like a cup of water thats overflowing. The vessel that is my mind, that is my body, that is who i am is filled to the brim, and the water (Emotions) have nowhere left to go but out.