I’m drained

I jokingly call myself a half-breed. Grew up and went to high school in one of the bigger cities but spent as much free time as possible on my grandparents Farm 75 miles away from the city which is an hour and a half drive one way. Well the year after I graduated high school my mom’s mother fell and broke her hip so Mom went up there to take care of her and my dad was up there as often as possible. So was I I hope mom take care of Mama and our Aunt who was born in 1899.
The worst day of my life happened more than 30 years ago. For the first time in my life I was asked to go on a date on my birthday. Dad came home from the farm and ask to take me out to eat before going to work. I turned him down. God I wish I hadn’t! When I got home from work I found out from my brother that our dad had a heart attack and died. I love my dad so very much to this day I cannot celebrate my birthday without feeling hurt in my heart.
A year later my brothers first wife left him with their three kids. Later he married a girl five years younger than me and my brother is 12 years older than me. They had two more kids one of which is nothing but problems. My brother was working in the city and living in the country near the farm.
My mom had a heart attack in 2005 and survived thank God! At the time I guess my brother must have been dealing with issues of his own family along with the long drive to and from work down here in the city that he wasn’t any help to Mom or I matter fact he wasn’t even talking to us.
Thanks to neighbors who were able to help at the time we survived okay. Unfortunately since then those same neighbors are no longer able to help and even a couple of them younger than mom died of cancer. One was even my brother’s age.
Anytime I was between jobs I tried to get a job in the country near the farm with no luck. I wish I had taken Walmart job or a restaurant job even though that’s not my background just to be near my mom. Unfortunately I don’t know if I could stand on my feet for very long at a time anymore. My brother has since retired with Parkinson’s from police work.
Mom can’t see good, doesn’t hear well, and sometimes I wonder about her memory but she is 87 years old after all.
This year 3 days before my birthday I was out with friends. When I got home I found out my brother had a heart attack. I thank God he was able to survive with just a stent being put in. Needless to say I won’t make any plans during the month of my birthday with friends ever again between my dad dying on my birthday and my brother having a heart attack near it.
It’s been over 6 months and I am working in the city but driving up to the farm to take care of Mom and help every chance I get.
I am so tired of burning the candle at all ends that sometimes I say or do things that when I look back even on a good day or good moment and feel like I’d like to have an off switch or kick myself for saying or doing something that either was or might have been taken wrongly. And my feelings get hurt so easy it isn’t funny. There is there are days that I wish I could just be taken out to do what needs to be done make everybody happy and then good put away and shut off until I’m need it again I don’t want to think I don’t want to feel because all I do is see my mistakes and feel.
I am so drained! I’m drained mentally emotionally physically and financially. I’m worried about paying my bills & I’m worried about taking care of my mom. I’m completely drained