Don’t Even Know Anymore

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve always had depression and anxiety problems but they haven’t been like this since I was a teen.
I often feel like I’m not actually supposed to exist. Sometimes I feel like I can’t even tell whats real or what’s in my head.
Do my friends hate me? Or do they just not talk to me without me initiating contact because they’re busy? Or are they not even my friends anymore? I’ve already confirmed to myself that they won’t message me by waiting months without even a text or “hey, how’ve you been?” I bet if I hadn’t messaged them eventually it would never have happened. Even if I waited years.
I’ve been getting the urge to self-harm again but I won’t do it. It’s been years since I have and if anyone found out I would have a lot more to lose now. It’s strange how you can have too much to lose while at the same time feeling worthless.
The worst is not being able to talk to my husband since I don’t want to trigger his depression.